I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
