Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You may now shotgun with the bride
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize