omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
