dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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