evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
