I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
