That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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