Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
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