new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
