capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
