the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
