I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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