There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
