i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
