Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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