Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
