there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
