Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
