thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
