There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
