i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
