Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They took my balls.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
