I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
