woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm like, not good at living.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
