I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
