so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
