words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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