I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
