I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
