I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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