There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize