i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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