The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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