Someone shit on the floor
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
nutella sex= disaster
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
