Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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