Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
