My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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