So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
