Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
