I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize