Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
