He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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