if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize