I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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