Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
