My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Houston, we have a blender
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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