I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
