today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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