tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize