Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
