Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I stole a fireplace last night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
