you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
