Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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