I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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