i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
