You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
