Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
