ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
