watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
