What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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