there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
