This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
