Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
